Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go

Today was my first day back at work. All weekend, I had mixed emotions about it. People asked me if I was ready, nervous, scared, excited, etc. Frankly, I was just oblivious. I spent months undecided about my job. Finally, in May, I made the decision to go back part-time. But I wouldn't start until the summer so I could have more time at home with the boys. So, here I am, well into summer, yet the first day back seemed to come out of nowhere.

Last night, as Jeff and I prepared everything the boys would need for today (bottles, toys, clothes), it still hadn't registered to me that I was going back to work. Regardless, I tried my best to get myself ready. In my mind, I even prepared my outfit --- something cute, like I wore when I wasn't 25 lbs heavier than my normal self. Perhaps a wrap dress or a pintuck blouse with a pencil skirt. Unfortunately, my wardrobe did not cooperate and I had to settle on something that actually covered my oversized behind. Oh, and by the way, black isn't always slimming, as proven by the palazzo pants I wore today. I had also put together all of the items required by my former life, which I laid out on the dining room table: my office key fob, metro card, blackberry, and unnecessarily large handbag. However, nothing prepared me for the morning.

Jeff woke me up at 6:30am so I could shower and get dressed before we woke the boys. Everything was going as planned. I was chipper and ready. We got the boys up and started to feed them. Then, it began. I took one look in Drew's eyes and I started to weep. I couldn't stop myself. Jeff offered to feed both babies, but I refused. Poor Drew was being showered in my tears. Sniffling, I rushed through Green Eggs and Ham. How could I leave these babies to go back to work? Do I like my job that much? Suddenly, I was questioning the decision that I confirmed months ago. I thought, is it too late to change my mind? No, I would go through with it. Despite my crack-of-dawn emotional breakdown, I rallied. And Jeff was amazing. He helped me put the boys back down for their nap, he made breakfast, he hugged me, and together we left the boys in the great care of their grandmother.

Throughout my commute, throughout the morning, and throughout the day, I went through several bouts of sadness and remorse for leaving my boys at home. In the middle of listening to voicemails, I printed out pictures of the boys. Then, I spent a half hour making a little collage of their pictures on my cube wall (you can tell my boss - I won't bill her for that time). I also spent my lunch hour making small talk with coworkers. People welcomed me back with open arms and their warmth really helped me get through the day. I didn't allow myself to call home to check on the boys, so I made Jeff do it. Of course, they were doing great, which made me both happy and sad.

I know, I know. Mothers go through this all the time. I just never thought I would. My mom went back to work six weeks after having me. It was me and my nanny for the first few years of my life. So I figured the decision was easy - my kids would stay home with a nanny while I worked. But the minute I saw the two little peanuts on the ultrasound monitor, I couldn't bear the thought of ever leaving them, even for a second. For us, financially, my going back makes sense. To be honest, I think it will also help me mentally.

Tomorrow is my day at home and I couldn't be more excited! It will be my day to catch up on everything I missed today. And the following day at work will be better than my first as I come to accept my new role as working Mommy. I know I'll be able to handle it. I made it through one day. Still, I'm certain more tears will be shed.